I just want to explode

i really do. sometimes i just cant handle living and i want it all to end. i lose it. break down. cry like crazy. when i say i cut myself i dont mean that i tottaly make myself bleed. no, i just...enough to feel it. i have one little tiny scar on my wrist because i was so mad at myself for what i did. its like a promise to myself never to do that to anyone again. i want to scream. i want to scream so bad but i cant. theres times when i just want it all to end. honestly, where am i going with my life? i know im only 12, but theres a lot more pressure on me than you think. dance. where the hell is that going? nowhere because im not good enough to make it anywhere. lets see, im going to be alone forever. guys are so stupid these days they want the girl thats the cutest. it doesnt matter if shes smart or not. they dont care about anything like that (atleast not in my school) if shes cute and clueless, go for her. like lizzie and vicor for example. lizzie and every single guy in the school we should say. every guy likes her, but why?!?! i mean i guess im pretty, i can flirt, ive dated before but yet they all go for her because cute and clueless.  friends. lately it seems like everyone hates me. like theyre all trying to avoid me. they cant stand to be seen with someone like me because i dont meet their standards. as i type this i look at my fingers and see sausages. theyre soo terrible. i wish it would all just end. or that i could wake up one day and it would all be magically perfect. that atleast one guy would like me and itd be obvious (besides angel) that i could be as skinny as elly and as smart as natalia. that i could be just a good of dancer as sydney, alex, and bryanna. because you know theyre going places. i want to cry. but really theres no place i can but school. even then, the teacher talks to you blablabla next thing you know youre being sent home and being called crazy by your mother as shes signing you into a mental hospital. i cant even cry at my dads house which is where i would like to because i have mandy. i wish victor ortiz would just notice me sometimes other than "that girl to check out".  i wish i could just tell everyone what i think and then end it all. my mom just walked in and yelled at me. i cant live here anymore. i just cant.