Can we talk about something serious for once?

I don't handle death well. I really don't. And if you've ever been at a funeral with me, you know that. So when it's Thanksgiving day, and everybody is so super happy and we get a panicked phone call from Puerto Rico saying my grandpa died, it kills everything. It all happened so fast, one minute people are questioning why some people are crying, and the next everybody's crying in a dark house. And the sort of creepy part of the whole thing was right when everybody starts crying, the sun goes away, the wind kicks in and starts to rain. It easily could've been in a movie, all the lights were off, and it was absolutely quiet. You could only hear people crying. And then at one point, (Thanksgiving was held at my Uncle Freddys' house) someone told Jali what had happened at she starts screaming. And I don't mean going down a roller coaster screaming. I mean crying screaming and she's yelling out things like "NO!!!! YOU TOLD ME HE WASN'T GOING TO DIE!!!!" and "YOU LIED TO ME!! YOU ALL LIED TO ME!!!!" It was pretty intense. Then my Uncle Freddy puts on his shoes, and walks out of the house, without telling anyone where he's going. So, we had to start a search party because we didn't know if he was going to do anything stupid. I think the worst part of it all, was seeing my mom cry. There are just some people I can't stand to see cry, and my family is a big one. Especially my mom.  I mean, kids have this thing about moms. That they're these beautiful magical creatures that can do anything and are better than superwoman. So when you see this hero of yours, break down and cry it breaks a little part of your heart off. And I felt so shameful because I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I could comfort her as much as possible, but I couldn't bring back her dad. I totally get it, too. If my dad died after being in ICU for a month, i'd be miserable as well. And she does this thing when she's really sad where she lets out a subtle little laugh. And I think that was when I realized that no matter how much people told me it was, nothing was going to be okay. There were so many things that i've done with this man, that I don't think I could do again without him. In Puerto Rico, there's this restaurant chicken joint called Chanos Chicken. And every time i'd go to see grandpa, we'd go there. (This place has the best chicken, ask anyone.) I've never once been there without him. We'd get our chicken to go, then we'd go to this one beach and sit there and enjoy our chicken. So, today I asked my mom if I could ever eat there and she said no. Maybe once for memory, but no. And that hurt. The last time I ate there with him, a storm had crashed onto the beach and destroyed half of the dock. So the tradition was already half gone when he was alive. Traditions break, and people die but you can't really let go of the memory. Yeah, the first couple weeks are going to be hard, there's no doubt about that, but eventually you have to let it go and keep it with you. There are those people that just can't let it go, they can't move on. And they usually die or have something bad happen to them, simply because they don't know how to treasure memories without having to live them everyday. But then there are those people that let it go too much. And they forget everything they've ever had with that person because they don't want to remember and they don't want to be sad. I don't think you can be like either of those people. I think you have to be strong enough to not completely let yourself go, but sad enough to let out a few tears every once in a while. Being strong is the only thing to do. What are you going to do? Kill yourself? Why would you want to put your family through even more grief? You have to stay strong. And that's what i'm going to do. It's what I have to do. We're leaving for Puerto Rico tomorrow at 4 pm, and we don't come back until December 2. I don't want to see my grandma cry, I really don't. She's always been this lively, wonderful, happy person and just hearing her cry over the phone today, killed me. But I know what I have to do. And i'm going to. I'm going to give my family all the love and support I can and hope to get at least half of it back. Stay magical:)