*gasp* did i really do that??

alright! so i'm texting nico, like nothing. he likes this girl named emilia, btw. so we're talking and i go "are you going to ask lena to be your valentine?" and he goes "lena??" lenas the girl geo left me for. i have no idea why the hell i said her. i was thinking bout geo today, but at like the afternoon. my brain hates me. i'm not kidding, it scared me. crazyyy. so anyways. i think i might kill myself. just a note. because i was in my moms room and i tripped over something so i look to see what it was. it was a book called "yes! your teen is crazy!" -_- really? it wouldn't be thaaat bad but just the fact that i'm classified as crazy.. and so i decided to read it and all the things that it says to do to help your child, are the things that drives me to be "crazy" talk in a calm collected manner. no. see, that's what gets me mad. it's like "for gods sake speak up!!" and according to them, it makes it sound like you actually care when you talk calmly. to me, it sounds like the give no fucks whatsoever. pages of lies... so nick was seriously mad at me. again. becuase i was messing around with him and i was all "HELP I'M BEING KIDNAPPED BY TWO ANGRY POLISH MENJDFSR734RH" ( see what i did there? by adding random letters and numbers it makes it seem the guys tried to take the phone away. clever me) and he was like "what?!?!" and so i go "HELP ME PLEASE!"and so he was like "where are you??!!" and i go "i don't know!!" and so then he calls me, and he's like where are you blablabla and so i told him i was joking and he went alllll crazy. so then he text me all "FUCK YOU!! DELTE MY NUMBER AND DELETE ME OFF OF FACEBOOK!!! GOODBYE!!" so then i start freaking out because i love nick. so then the next day i sent him this huge long text (maria i have to show you) about why i'm sorry and how i cut myself and how i wanna kill myself lalala, then he replies with a heart, so it's all better :] and then today he was like "show me your wrists." and stuff like that and for me to tell him why i wanna kill myself and he told me not to, then we went and played basketball. i got lots of hugs today. and lifted up. two of my favorite things. one day. love it. soo everyone hates me, just saying. or atleast it seems like it. and self esteem hasn't been good. where the hell is my damn therapist?!?! i don't feel pretty, or skinny, or self satisfied. but whatever. no one gives a shit, right? right. so angel is going to ask the girl he likes to be his valentine. this is the first v day i won't be alone....sad, i know. so me being the terrible person i am ;] had to be all "alright, when you do it, bring one flower." i've always wanted that to happen to me. and then i said "lillies. idk about her, but i love lillies so i'm going to steal it from her" i'm such a bad person. and soo lonely. i basically planned my own valentines day... that's lowww -_- not even forever alone guy goes that low. geez. i'm the ghost of a girl that i long to be most...