I thought you was the backson! Until i found out you wasn't!

so, i am extremely tired. yesterday nico called and we ended up talking until four in the morning. his sleepy voice. adorable. and he gets so cute when he's tried. or maybe he's just like that and i've never actually heard it in persons, i don't know. but basically the day before yesterday we were talking (again at like 3) and i told him i was sleepy but i couldn't fall asleep. so then yesterday we were talking (phone call this time) and he was like "you sleepy?" and i'm like "just a bit" and he's like " maybe now you can fall asleep" and i go "heh, maybe i can" and he's like "*in his sleepy voice btw* just maybe":) then he was like "you sound tired sleepyhead" then i'm like "i am kinda tired" and he goes "then go to sleep silly" and i go "but...freddie....." and he goes "*light laugh* i'll protect you" then i go "you will?" and he goes "I promise" then we say goodnight blablabla, yeah. so then today we were talking and i'm like (texting now) "watcha up to?" and he goes "getting ready for bed" cuz he starts school tomorrow then i'm like "oh, well i'll go so you can go to sleep" and he's like "i don't want you to go" and i was like "you don't?" and he's like "no I'm not even tired" then i go "then i won't go:)" and he goes "thank you!! luv yuh!!" let me repeat that: luv yuh. i'm not lying. and if i know anyone who reads this and doesn't believe me, i will show you the text. crazy shit is going down. anyways! yesterday, i went to dave & busters with elly. all was going well until the self esteem crusher came along. so we're standing at the prize counter patiently waiting for the lady and some african american kid (he looked around our age) came up to elly and was like "excuse me, you see that boy over there?" then he starts yelling at the kid, because he was running away. so basically, the kid thought elly was attractive. and to be honest, i'm not blaming him. so then he leaves and i look back at him and he's waving at elly with this huge smile on his face. normally, this wouldn't bother me. ok that was a lie, shit like that always bothers me. only when i'm there though. because here i am, just watching elly get adored, and to be honest, it hurts. it really does. I've never had a good self esteem to begin with. and then now that everyone around me is getting prettier and stuff, it feels like.. I haven't changed. i don't feel as pretty as other people and it really affects my self esteem. sure, i'm always talking shit about how "oh, i'm just THAT cute" and stuff like that, but that's just like a little pep talk i give to myself. i mean, i wake up and get ready for school, right? well, in the morning, i don't like that bad. to me, at least .then i go to school with all this confidence and see my friends. like elly, she's just so damn gorgeous. and so is maria. and i hate to admit it, but yeah lizzie is cute too. and sam. sam is just adorable. and then i look at myself and i have all these flaws. i have so many pimples, i'm not as skinny as i would like to be.my face shape is weird, my hair is nasty looking and i'm just not as pretty as my friends. and it's always been this way. feeling left out in the world of beauty. oh! and my clothes are just terrible.yeah, there's days when i feel absolutely gorgeous and that's usually when i'm around someone like angel who thinks I'm pretty (or beautiful as he told me) and isn't afraid to tell it to the world. and he isn't, trust me.... MARIA IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU'RE GORGEOUS AND I LOVE YOU, OK? well, tomorrow i'm going to the mall with elly so maybe i can buy some decent clothes. gotta go. mwah.